Metamorphosis

昨日の夜中のこと。幼少期の自分は確かによく一人で絵を描いていたのに、いつの間に「わたしには絵なんて描けないし、描くことに興味もない（卑屈になるのではなく、身の回りの人たちを見て「絵を描ける人、さらっと落描きができる人はすごいなあ」と本気でそう思っていた）と思いこむようになったのだろうという思いが再び頭に浮かんだ。すると、様々な記憶の断片がやってきては流れていき、堪えきれなくなって言葉にしないまましばらく泣いた。そうして久しぶりにまた、背中から脱皮したような、あるいは羽化したような感覚を味わった。今もその余韻は続いていて、まだ輪郭が定まらない柔らかな状態を味わっている。

Last night, the question came to my mind again, when I came to believe that I couldn't draw and wasn't interested in drawing (not in a sneering way, but by looking at the people around me, I really thought that people who could draw or doodle were amazing), even though I used to draw by myself a lot in my childhood. And then, various fragments of memories came and flowed, and I cried for a while without putting them into words. For the first time in a while I felt again as if I had shed or emerged from my back. Even now, the aftermath is still lingering, and I am still feeling sort of vagueness or subtlety as if my outline has yet to be defined.⁡⁡⁡⁡⁡

When I saw the amazing works of various artists, whether amateur or professional, and learned about their backgrounds, I found that many of whom have had art experience or education from an early age. And it made me a little sad to look back on my past, when I had enough problems escaping abuse and control from my mother that I could not even think about what I wanted to do for so long. But I still feel everything was for the best in the end. Or rather, everything is eventually meant to be. If I had been painting when I was younger, I would have struggled with my need for self-expression and recognition⁡⁡⁡.⁡⁡

I think, I finally started drawing because I have recovered my self-esteem, I have accepted everything including myself and my mother (and saw her off peacefully), I have come to live myself, and I have realised that there is nothing I want to achieve in society. And now I am in the right environment for myself. I am now 47 years old and there is still enough time for me to do what I want to do.⁡⁡ And so, what do I want to do? Well, probably that is not to draw well (I want to be able to draw as well as I can, though), but to create tulpas - "shadow" and to make my own map or path to follow when I eventually die physically.